Smilies, selfies and foodies

by H.B. Koplowitz

As an experiment, I “group sourced” a column by asking my Facebook friends what really annoys them. Needless to say, the No. 1 answer was some version of “traffic,” as in, “traffic jams and the government officials who create them.” A whole column could be written on driving annoyances alone, but the immortal George Carlin may have summed it up best: “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” In no particular order, below are some things that annoy my Facebook friends and me. Feel free to add your own:

Smilies, selfies and foodies.

Toilet paper rolls that go under instead of over.

Stripes or plaid on clothing or furniture that don’t match at the seams

MSNBC’s Chris Hayes and his relentless use of the word “right,” making him sound like a used car salesman seeking a yes response. Actually, everyone who says “right” instead of “um” or “you know,” but he’s the worst offender.

Benghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi.

Forty-six and counting.

Bacon packages that open from the side instead of the top.

Limp pickles, literally and metaphorically.

People who text in movie theaters and the people who shoot them.

Getting old.

Fake boobs.

Breast reduction surgery.

Mumbling psychotics wearing Bluetooth earpieces.

Doctors who take phone calls while examining patients.

Line cutters.

Children going wild in restaurants or airplanes and parents who let them.

People who leave shopping carts in parking spaces.

Birds that poop on cars.

People who still have their Christmas decorations up in March.

College students who bellow during entire basketball games.

Celebrities who die with needles in their arms. Too soon?

Wannabe comedians who bail out of inappropriate humor by saying, “too soon?”

The Dell commercial in which The Felice Brothers sing “This Magic Moment” like Neil Young on Quaaludes.

Catheter commercials.

Drug commercials with voluminous recitations of horrifying side effects, followed by, “ask your doctor if XXX is right for you.”

Trying to channel surf and finding commercials on every channel.

Valet parking. Once upon a time, businesses provided free valet parking as a service when no nearby spaces were available. Parking valets would run great distances to retrieve your vehicle, for which you would gratefully tip. Nowadays, the valets reserve the closest spots for themselves, forcing you to either park far away or pay a hefty fee to have someone park your car where you would have parked it yourself if they hadn’t taken away the space. And then they have the audacity to still expect a tip.

Valet parkers who actually aren’t and steal your car.

People who act like they are decent people but aren’t.


© H.B. Koplowitz 2/3/14

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